Friday, February 13, 2004

Secret Files and Origins Annabunny

I've decided to do an unauthorized biography of the Belligerent Bunny.

This was rather difficult given the lack of primary source material but simple deduction eventually won the day.

First what is known...
1: Anna is a rabbit, apparently a Dutch.
2: Anna is far more intelligent than normal rabbits.
3: Anna can type (she blogs)
4: Anna knows the words to the Star Blazers theme.
5: Anna is not a commie.

This makes it fairly obvious what her lifestory is. (I've read enough comics to figure this one out)

Sometime in the early eighties some unnamed rabbit in a Vienna VA pet-store somehow got into a pile of ginkobillboa. The ginko-bilboa had been inadvertently radiated by a leaking xray machine in the adjoining dentists office. The pregnant lagomorph was subsequently purchased by a worker at the Soviet embassy who brought it back to the chef who was going to prepare hossenfeffer for the commie ambassador.

Realizing the doe was pregnant he held off 'till the little ones had been born. After the blessed event occurred there was some concern that a rabbit had given birth to a litter of one. The little rabbit to be fattened up with other rabbits in the hellish hossenfeffer pens of the Soviet embassy, for the later consumption by the carnivorous commies. However, to everyone's astonishment soon learned about the door latch to its pen.

Unable to incite the other rabbits into rebellion the young rabbit bounded out into DC to "get help" but was soon captured by the owner of a shady underground petstore (in a former speakeasy).

For years the little rabbit languished in captivity in front of a television. Finally adopted by the parents of a sadistic sociopathic child who gave the terrified bunny to their pathological progeny for an Easter present the bunny was named Anna and was subjected to horrific experiments with the little atillas chemistry set. These experiments finally fully awakened the effects of the radioactive ginko bilboa and Anna finally understood her situation.

One night, with a savage slashing of rabbit teeth adroit use of a pencil, some copper wire, lighter fluid and a hairpin, Anna saved herself and the world from the predations of her tormentor. Escaping the conflagration she fled into the suburbs of northern VA where she was adopted as a pet by a group of circus midgets who took great glee in pretending to "teach" the little rabbit to use their Commodore 64 and play a harpsichord. After traveling the world with the circus Anna had taught herself enough about computers to communicate with others. With some practice and the help of the dwarves (who thought at first they were simply teaching Anna to do tricks) the bunny was able to make herself intelligence known to her traveling companions and she eventually became the groups accountant.

The insidious rise of "Political Correctness" spelled the end of the fire-eating, self-tossing acrobatic dwarf show and the group dispersed.

One of the Dwarves, "Biff", allowed Anna to move into his efficiency in Clifton where she settled down to being an online activist for bunny adoption, and got sufficient accreditation via correspondence courses to run a small tax consulting service (with "Biff" as front man). In her spare time she ran a popular and influential blog.

Recently Anna has been moving up in the world. She's gotten a job in the IT dept at a major US corporation effectively displacing overpaid Indian telecommuting workers who are unwilling to work for rabbit food and a stipend.

In her off time she fights crime (all those years of watching cartoons and B-Movies taught her a little something about courage) Her unassuming appearance (she's a RABBIT fer chrissakes!) has allowed her to move about without attracting attention and she has been able to use this to her advantage as she hops about the DC area at night reporting crimes and spying on the seedier elements of the antiwar movement.

Anyway, that is where the story ends for now. The saga of the Beligerent Bunny is ongoing as Anna hops ever onward into the 21st century.

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