Friday, November 28, 2003

I've gotten tired of the conspiracy theories that claim Bush is Hitler and planned the 9/11 attacks.

I'm also sick of the anti-Jewish rants that are so prevelant in the Mid-east and even in Europe and on campuses and the most frighteningly mundane places here.

I've decided to make my own conspiracy theory to serve as an alternative

....submitted for your approval....:


New Zealand is evil.

Specifically Kiwibirds are evil.

You see kiwis have a long snout that looks like that of a mosquito. Now New Zealanders claim that this is for the eating of grubs and mosquitoes eat grubs and worms?

NO!! They suck blood!!

If we can figure this out then why can't they?

They are lying to us!!!

You see the kiwi is a vicious and intelligent bird that failed to build a great civilization only due to their lack of thumbs.
(proof: Kiwis have no thumbs)

When the Maori arrived the were mercelessly hunted by the vicious bloodsucking hopping nocturnal Kiwibirds. At the last minute they realized that the Kiwis were intelligent...They struck a deal "eat us last we'll give you Moas"
(proof: Moas are extinct)

The Kiwis found the arrangement useful...the humans could be their thumbs and they could get the Moas that they relished (It is unclear what defense mechanism the Moas had to defend against the kiwis....would that we knew!!)
(proof: there is no evidence that a kiwi was able to bring down a Moa)

Things began to look bad for the Maori when the Moas ran out...fortunately for them that is when the English arrived.
(Proof: the English did arrive)

The English settlers were in much the same boat as the Maori, fighting a horrific stealthy and vicious foe, but the Kiwis were impressed by the use of gunpowder and cut a deal with the English....a technology exchange and...people to feed upon. The English settlers of NZ who were largely criminals anyway made their Faustian bargain. The Maori were allowed to live but were culled (and had their deaths blamed on diseases) The human supplicants were the arms and thumbs of the kiwi scientists who began using their more advanced brains to develop the technology the settlers brought with them.

The Kiwis used the English Settlers contacts and their own superior intellects to take over vast portions of the world financial markets.

The English Govt., when they found out, cut New Zealand loose to wash their hands of the mess.
(proof: NZ is independent)

The Kiwis retaliated by inventing the Labour party and collapsing the British Empire
(proof: how else do you explain it?)

The dark secret is kept because few outside of NZ know about it. Those that do are bribed or extorted into silence. (controling vast portions of the worlds financial markets is useful)

Now every year thousands of children as well as many wayward fishermen and tourists disappear each year as a result of the New Zealand Dept. of acquisitions.
(proof: children tourists and fishermen do disappear every year)

The New Zealand children who misbehave are fed to the kiwis...

The dessicated husks of the kiwi victims are thrown into mud volcanoes.
(proof:NZ has mud volcanoes)

The facade is kept up with people unaware of the immense influence kiwibirds have on the world.
(proof: nobody suspects anything)

The Kiwi scientists, lacking wings, naturally invented flying machines without wings. Their technology surpassed our own in the late 40s and their saucers flit about the planet and to the edge of space carying the dreaded DOA agents on aquizition missions for their gluttenous masters. These agents who wear only black spread misinformation to those that have seen the saucers.
(proof: neither saucers nor kiwibirds have wings)

The saucers also engage in a fearsome "catch and release" program whereby they experiment on people in hopes of unlocking the secrets of the arm and the thumb.

The Kiwis masterminded the WTC attacks to make money by shorting the markets (the pentagon was attacked by Arabs on the same day by coincidence) They conducted the anthrax attacks as well.

Their technology has passed ours and time is running out...we must expose this unseen scandal to the world!!!


Well it makes as much sense as anything I hear on Democratic Underground. :)

Have a happy holiday.

Update: This does not relect my actual views on the WTC matter or New Zealand.....sheesh!

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